The Expendables 3: A Wish List

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Yesterday I saw The Expendables 2 (with none other than my girlfriend and her mom) and found myself thoroughly entertained by the senseless violence, brain cell killing dialogue and, most of all, the awesome appearances of some of Hollywood’s worst/best action stars. There is a certain tingle of pleasure that can only be caused by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis shooting a mini-gun out of a smart car while Chuck Norris snipes Eastern Europeans from a balcony above them.  It’s a thing of beauty, really.  So then I got to thinking: who would I cast in the obviously-going-to-happen Expendables 3?  Well, here’s the wish list I came up with:

1.) Mel Gibson

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If you are scratching your head at this choice then you have seen too much Braveheart  and not enough Lethal Weapon, Mad Max or Conspiracy Theory.  Gibson has starred in some of he best/worst action movies ever and has solidly earned his place among the Expendable’s roster.  Just ignore the anti-Semitic rants and What Women Want and he should be fine.

Best scene: Oh, gee, I don’t know… What about the time where he bites off Patrick Stewart’s nose in Conspiracy Theory??  He seriously does this.  I couldn’t find a clip so watch this movie immediately.

2.) Jackie Chan or Tony Jaa

  

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I know what you’re thinking: do the Expendables really need another horribly stereotyped Asian karate master?  Don’t they already have Jet Li?  Well (spoiler alert) Jet Li must have a wildly successful career somewhere else in the world because he is in The Expendables 2 for probably two whole minutes (he still manages to kill about 400 people).  So if Jet Li is out we are obviously going to have to replace him with some other broken English-speaking little maniac.

Reasons it should be Chan: He’s old like the rest of the team, he might add a little comedy (because he is in such funny movies) and there was a once time where he would crawl through white hot coals just to impress the audience.  No, seriously, he does just that in The Legend of the Drunken Master.  Check out this clip if you don’t believe me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXA-4rN9-ds

Reasons it should be Jaa: he’s a little more brutal then Chan.  Also I’m pretty sure he absolutely abhors plot lines as much as the other Expendables do.

3.) Milla Jovovich 

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There is no other woman on this planet more bad ass than Milla Jovovich.  From the Resident Evil franchise to The Fifth Element she has been making her male co-stars look like sniveling little babies for years now.  Meanwhile, she looks like this:

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Any questions?

4.) Vin Diesel

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Let’s face it, Vin Diesel is pretty much our generation’s Sylvester Stallone; he can’t be in a movie unless it involves gratuitous explosions, countless deaths and things moving at fast and furious speeds.  Also he sounds like he is gargling marbles and silly putty every time he talks.  Can you imagine how hilarious a conversation between Stallone and Diesel would be in the next movie?

Stallone: “Eh!  Der ya derserble thur bem?”

Diesel: “burmlehurblestorfenezzer!”

And that, dear readers, is why we need him.

Disagree with my list?  Want to add a few names of your own?  Please comment!

Songs listened to while writing this:  “Bloom” by Radiohead, “Toxic” by Britney Spears, “#1 Crush” by Garbage, “Feel the Pain” by Dinosaur Jr., “Truck Drivin’ Neighbors Downstairs (Yellow Sweat)” by Beck, “Apartment Story” by The National, “Attracted to Us” by The Lonely Island (feat. Beck), “Under Cover of Darkness” by The Strokes.

How Obama ruined my first day as a blogger.

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I woke up today pretty excited about a decision I had made in bed the night before- the decision to be a blogger.  I didn’t know what I would write about necessarily, just that I was going to strive to be as funny and topical as possible.  My head swam with all kinds of innovative ideas. Would I focus on film?  Comic books?  Movies starring Shia LeBouf?  I could hardly sleep the excitement was so intoxicating.

I leapt (sluggishly crawled) out of bed this morning (noon-ish) and ran (stumbled like a drunken vagrant) to the computer.  I designed my blog, brainstormed about some possible topics with my housemate, and even wrote an “about” section to sum up what my site would focus on (something along the lines of “nothing” and “movies?”).   I was just at that point where my first brilliant idea was beginning to bloom in my mind and I would soon chisel my name into the Blogosphere Hall of Fame when I received a disturbing text from a red-headed friend of mine.

“Barack Obama is doing a live chat on Reddit.”

You read that right: Barack Obama the President of the United States of America was doing an “ask me anything” on the site that claims to be the so-called “front page of the internet” (and, to be fair, totally is).  Right before my eyes I saw all of my hopes and dreams for the day evaporate like a puddle of tepid water in the desert.  Who in their right mind would visit some ridiculous blog about nothing and movies when the freaking President was chatting with the peasants online?!  This guy splits his time between refraining from pressing the “kill everyone on the planet button” and hanging out with Spider-Man and on the one day I decide to do something great, he decides he needs all the attention!

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This seriously happened in a comic book.

I know what you’re thinking, that I’m being a little over-dramatic, but this isn’t just about me, guys.  Think of all the people who won the lottery today or who got engaged or who decided to come out of the closet and can’t make their announcement to their friends and family because Barack “attention whore” Obama just had to communicate with everyone on the internet.  It’s just selfish, if you ask me.  He says he wants to be there “for the people,” but then he goes and overshadows our blogs!

This is exactly why I am voting for Mitt Romney in a couple of months, dear readers.  His total lack of knowledge where the internet is concerned guarantees that he will never meddle in the affairs of bloggers around the world.