Some Things You Need to Know Before You Watch “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday”

So it’s a nice Saturday night and all you really want to do is settle down with your family, cook up some popcorn and watch a nice family flick.  You perused the shelves at your local video store (hahaha oh man, just kidding) and found the perfect film: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday!  At this point you have seen the other twelve hundred Friday the 13th films and you are counting on this classic from 1993 to entertain you for a full 87 minutes.  Well, before you pop that VHS (hahahaha) into your VCR (HAHAHA oh man HAHA) here are some things you desperately need to know about what you are about to watch (warning: spoilers ahead! hahahahaha, I seriously need to stop, I’m killing myself):

1.) Jason isn’t in the movie, really

The first expectation you would have going into this movie is: “well, at least Jason Voorhees, the infamous hockey mask-wearing serial killer who walks at snail speed will be in it!”  Well, sorry pal but you are out of luck. Jason does appear in the movie… twice.  You see he “dies” in the first five minutes and spends the rest of the movie possessing other peoples bodies.  So instead of watching a lumpy maniac with a machete attack co-eds you are instead treated to a nerdy middle-aged mortician, a dumpy old cop (who inexplicably melts at one point) and a guy who might be your real estate agent walking at snail speed and killing co-eds.  Scary!!  When we finally see Jason’s true, evil incarnate, form… he’s a tadpole.  I’m not even joking.

2.) Hell isn’t in the movie either

Okay, so Jason isn’t going to be in the movie as much… that’s okay though, right?  You aren’t surprised he isn’t in it because, as the title implies, he is in Hell!  Well, unfortunately, you are wrong again.  Read point #1 and you will remember that Jason is too busy playing dress up to be in Hell a whole lot.  To be fair he does eventually go to Hell… at the very end.  So you spend the entire movie waiting for the title to happen.  That’s like naming The Sixth Sense “Bruce Willis is Dead”.

Or like naming Donnie Darko “Something Happens”.

3.) It isn’t the “final Friday”

Although the title implies that this is the “final Friday” there have been three more Friday the 13th films made since Jason Goes to Hell, including one where he goes to space.  Yes, Jason is the Ernest of horror movies.

Except I’m pretty sure Jason will never go to jail.

I would also just like to point out that Jason Goes to Hell was actually preceded by a 1984 film entitled Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.  And guess what?  There is another Friday the 13th on the way:!

4.) I’m not sure who the protagonist is…

Every movie has two things: a protagonist and an antagonist.  They don’t have to be a blatant hero/good vs. villain/evil kind of dichotomy, either.  There just has to be some kind of conflict to keep the film moving.  For instance, in this film the antagonist is a disappointing batch of flimsy characters possessed by Jason and the protagonist is… um… maybe this guy?:

I hesitate like that because its a solid 30 minutes before any kind of character you can consider a “hero” is introduced.  I also hesitate because that guy I pointed out doesn’t do anything the entire movie except wear a letterman jacket (it was the nineties) and get beat up a lot.  Jason is eventually killed by a girl who you find out is his long lost niece or something (the plot is a flimsy structure consisting of Popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue) but since that is the only thing she does during this movie (I think she has a solid ten minutes of screen time) it’s hard to call her the protagonist.  Here’s the worst part: there is totally a bitchin’ bounty hunter in this movie named, I kid you not, Creighton Duke who would have been a great hero for this film.  All he does is whisper ominous one liners and wear cowboy hats.

Instead, the most heroic thing he ends up doing is breaking the main character’s fingers.  This literally happens for no reason at all but comes as no surprise to the audience; the so-called protagonist is so annoying and horrible that you are literally begging Jason to kill him at the end.

I mean… Just look at him.

5.) Even for a horror movie, everyone in this film is stupid

Being a writer (hahaha) I am constantly trying to make my stories new and original.  You see, there is nothing wrong with change so long as the change isn’t retarded (I think Shakespeare said that).  So the guys who wrote this movie decide they want Jason to inhabit other people’s bodies.  Okay, that’s fine because at least now he can pretend to be other people and kill them when they least expect it instead of just lumbering around and… oh, wait, he ends up just lumbering around the whole movie?  Okay then.  Jason is in other people’s bodies, killing those that recognize and trust him as a friend or family member, and how does he decide to murder them?  By walking towards them real slow with a machete and grunting a little.  Like he always does…  Not that it would matter anyways, the people in this film are the most brain-dead lot in film history.  Everyone knows about Jason’s legacy in this movie.  So who do they blame the minute murder’s begin to occur?  This guy:

I just can’t get enough of this picture.  He looks like the blue Power Ranger.

They just ignore the fact that the same guy has been killing people for decades in the area, despite having “died” numerous times, and throw the cuffs on Rick Moranis’ nerdy nephew up there.  No wonder everyone dies in this movie.

6.) They rip off The Terminator

A girl is at the police station, desperately afraid after seeing someone get murdered when suddenly a man who looks human but is actually something much more powerful and ominous ambles in casually and begins killing cops with zero effort.  Bullets don’t kill him but luckily she is saved at the last minute by a man she isn’t sure she can trust who just wants to protect her and her baby, whose legacy might be the only hope for… wait a second…

Alright, that’s the last straw: this movie sucks.

Disagree with my interpretation of this classic film?  Comment away, dear readers!  Your voice matters!



4 thoughts on “Some Things You Need to Know Before You Watch “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday”

  1. My brother and I laughed through the whole thing. Hilarious.
    I got my fam to watch some of Megashark Vs. Crocosaurus the other day, and I must say that it was even more riveting the second time through. And in case you’ve forgotten for some reason (*zing), I’d love for you to revisit that cinematic experience and record your thoughts blog-style on that magnificent work. Perhaps do a feature on the whole series…? Now there’s an idea painted in gold…

    • The best part about Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is that Jaleel White co-stars. It was a bit unfortunate that he never said “did I do that?” That is like Mr. T. not dropping a, “Piddy tha fool” when he makes a cameo.

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