“Thanks Hollywood!” or “How One of My Favorite Childhood Stories is About to be Toasted (Pun Intended)”

If you have never heard of The Brave Little Toaster immediately build a time machine, go back to when you were a child and watch it (while you are there watch Ferngully: The Last Rainforest also).  This film is one of the most innocent and genuine kids movies ever made.  As a young lad I watched it over and over again and, although it has been some time since my last viewing, I still think of it fondly. 

So obviously, since the world is a horrible place, some company has just acquired the rights to this adorable little franchise (against the original director and writer’s will and without giving him credit) and is now going to make a new and improved CGI (and probably 3-D) version!  To make matters even worse it’s going to be produced by the same company that makes the Alvin and the Chipmunks films. 

AKA really quality entertainment.

For more information on this story you can read this article: http://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/zugws/waterman_entertainment_has_acquired_the_rights_to/ that was posted on Reddit.com.  In the meantime, to make the unbearable wait until this movie is released a little easier for you, I compiled a list of things we can expect from this sure-to-be-classic film, based on Hollywood’s track record.  Take my word for it, this remake will have:

1.) Rapping and/or extreme sports

Every film producer knows that there are really only  two things that modern kids like: extreme sports and seeing their beloved characters break into song (not original songs or anything artistic like that, just top 40s and hip hop).  What a joy it will be to see the Brave Little Toaster hop on a skateboard and escape from some precarious situation just to bust into a squeaky voiced rendition of “Baby Got Back”!

2.) Some sitcom star as the human lead

Every CGI-addled kids movie (based on a series that only the adults in the audience will remember) needs a human character for all of us normal folks to relate to.  But this character can’t be played by a movie star because they would… well… turn it down (unless, of course, it was animated, for some reason).  So what familiar but fairly inexpensive face do the producers turn to?  Sitcom stars, of course.  From Neil Patrick Harris in The Smurfs to Jason Lee in the aforementioned Chipmunks disasters Hollywood has been giving TV stars the opportunity to spread their wings in these Oscar-worthy masterpieces.  So who will they inevitably cast as the lead to the Toaster remake?  In my opinion, only one person makes sense:

He could also play the toaster.

3.) The inevitable appearance of some washed up comedian (and it will be Cheech)

Some parents hate sitcoms and kids movies.  Uh oh.  How else are you going to get them into the theater with their little rugrats (hey, Rugrats would be another great old show to ruin)?  The answer is simple: when all else fails cast some old comedian that only adults will remember/care about seeing.  Whether its someone from Monty Python’s Flying Circus playing a kindly old janitor or an old Saturday Night Live castmember no one cares about (Kevin Nealon) as the mean ‘ol dog catcher.  No matter how you swing it, however, it is inevitable that Cheech will be in this movie.  I think they just have him on speed dial for this kind of thing.

Gee, I wonder why.

A lot of this article was written at a place where that kind of thing is frowned down upon.  As a result I leave it up to you, Dear Readers, to say the things I didn’t get a chance to say in this piece.  Comment away!

Sources: movieposterdb.com, picgifs.com, moviewallpapers.net, imdb.com, moviesonline.ca, cheechandchong.com, thedaily.com, reddit.com

2 thoughts on ““Thanks Hollywood!” or “How One of My Favorite Childhood Stories is About to be Toasted (Pun Intended)”

  1. Travesty.
    I protested the Jungle Book reprise when I was like 5 or something (my parents have a fantastic home video of me being upset and refusing to see it), and this is terrible as well. My kids will be watching the actual classics on actual VHS tapes. You have my word.

    Also, here is my favorite “pre-generational cameo appearance in a film to keep the aforementioned generation interested”:
    Bob Newhart in Elf.
    My dad still laughs every Christmas when he sees Newhart (who?) in tights.

    Excellent analysis as always, Dibs.

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